STOP FIGHTING AND START COMMUNICATING
“Stop Fighting With Each Other And Start Fighting For One Another”- Staci Lee Schnell
TRY THE FOLLOWING COMMUNICATION TOOLS
Step 1:
- Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.
- Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.
- Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes.
Step 2:
- Partner B says, “What I heard you say is…” and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.
- Then Partner B says, “Did I get it right?” Partner A answers “yes” or “no”. If yes, Partner B says “Is there anything else?” Partner A answers “yes” or “no”. If no, it’s time for step 3.
- If Partner A answers no to “Did I get it right?” They stay calm. They don’t get upset at their partner. They simply try saying it in a different way.
- Partner B tries again with, “What I heard you say” and “Did I get it right?”
- Don’t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else.
Step 3:
Partner B now validates Partner A. If an apology is needed, this is the time. This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood. It doesn’t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A.
Step 4:
Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles.
Step 5:
Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action like:
- The next time X happens we are going to do Y.
- This is the decision, compromise we are making and we can agree to disagree.
The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other.
VALIDATE EACH OTHER WITH YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE
Couples have shifted away from conflict and are now engaging in open and effective communication, characterized by reduced defensiveness and anger. Employing techniques like paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying fosters genuine validation, signifying the significance of the relationship even in times of disagreement. In a healthy and joyful partnership, mutual validation becomes crucial, as it allows both individuals to feel heard, valued, and comprehended. Feeling validated by one’s partner can lead to a sense of appreciation and love.
Timing of the above communication tool is important.
If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down. Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions.
- Why am I upset?
- What am I trying to convey?
- What triggered me?
- How can I express myself clearly?
It is essential not to avoid addressing events, issues, or topics and simply ignore them. Holding back to prevent conflict will only lead to harboring resentment towards unresolved matters. Instead, after allowing some time to pass, come back together and employ the communication tool. If immediate discussion is not feasible, make a note of it and revisit the conversation as soon as possible.
Couples Therapy offers valuable support in implementing active listening and validation techniques discussed earlier. It helps couples gain clarity and proficiency in understanding each other, fostering a deeper emotional connection between partners.